I have accepted and decided that I have two daughters. Yet, the "relative realty' is; I have no daughters. I have a son yet no son. And I have seven grandchildren yet no grandchildren. Each has chosen, I hope on their own volition not to communicate which of course is their prerogative, their preference.? How do I feel about their choices? I would prefer it to be different, but so be it.

Ironically, I am in a way like my children who have believed and still do; that they have a father, but no father. But where we differ lies in 'knowing and understanding'. Why this dilemma is so?? I thought possibly as they grew into adulthood they could shed the grave clothes of the past. And learn that life is not black and white. There are many shades of gray in between the gaps of living. That things perceived, seen or heard are not necessarily, true reality.

One does not need to be a professional therapist to understand that a divorced mother or father can transfer their attitudes, moods, bitterness and resentments to the young.  This sort of programming can be intentional or involuntary by either parent after a separation or a divorce. If one cannot let go of past histories and allow a closure. The child or children become the inheritors of a woman's' scorn or a fathers' hatred as both attempt to destroy the character of each other. Affecting and infecting the emotional stability of the child's' adult life. These shadows of fragmented thinking can continue to live if someone is continually "breathing life" into them. The 'good mom' and the 'bad dad' scenario or vice versa is an extension of an unresolved marital relationship.  Has nothing to do with some overt act of a child or children. When either parent purposely programs or manipulates a child's' relationship against the other parent. The child's freedom becomes compromised and violated. The consequences of such an act on the part of the parent can affect how a child will relate to others in or out of marriage..

All three of my children have reached adulthood but are still living with their mothers' "ghosts of yesteryear". How sad! In a sense I said that I  have no family. This is not completely true; I have a large extended family because of the "World Walk". I have become part of many families and they of me. I have many adopted nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters. I have spoken to over a thousand educational institutions both private and governmental; from primary level to the University level. Met with students, teachers and parents. To many students I am "Uncle Hawk", to others I am an elder brother or a grandfather. But the most cherished name is a Friend. Recently in a dialogue group, a young lady referred to me as "being comfortable". Someone asked what she meant? Her reply was: "you know, like a safe and secure presence". "Comfortable", an interesting expression which reminded me that I am entering the "winter" of my years.

There are so many variables with strong subtle influences that affect the structuring, the stability and sustainability of a family. But there is one overriding factor, one unit that can create the needed environment to give the most conducive conditions for a family to co-exist in balance, harmony and peace. Here we are talking about the father or mother who can create or destroy this balance, harmony and peace. How? The how is simple; by being out of balance, harmony and peace in their own Being.  Their lack of {self} knowledge and {self} understanding creates a non-conducive environment for each parent and their offspring.

For a moment lets look at a few of these variables. The Scenario goes something like this; two people meet possibly out of a strong physical attraction or need. The "Chemistry" seems just right and the need is met. They fall in love and get married. The courting, the flirting, the coyness and innocence; the mystique, the newness, the rapid pulse, the anticipation and the fantasies start to fade. And the "Stars" return from their fallen state. Because reality {relative) comes in the front door unannounced and stands center stage. A new "Play" is about to begin and it is called "Life". The two actors in this sometimes "Comedy", sometimes "Tragedy"; may have y come from two different lifestyles or backgrounds. Raised by a different set of parents with possible different value systems or ideology. Possibly, each individuals' educational level differs. Or maybe there is an age and experience gap. Add to this the many different reasons people hold for getting married. And we have the making of a Love Story to be told or a Tragedy to unfold.

As we know there are no guarantees in life but the odds for success can be increased if both individuals upon entering a relationship bring with them a reasonable knowledge and understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses, as well as a sense of balance, harmony and peace. It is this "triad" that allows each individual to reach their own potential and in turn help others in the family structure to reach their own potentiality. That which they have always been but simply have forgotten, their "Ultimate Nature".

I know there is somebody who is reading this, who is just dying to ask: What has love got to do with all this? Well, love if you will consider the following definition. Has everything to do with a relationship, all relationships; man, woman, child, the animate or inanimate.?

Love means:

The offering up of ones' self to the loved one.

If this is true, what kind of "self" are we giving?

We should be giving the best of ourselves because

We want the best, the more excellent for those who

Are about to receive this love.

(a note)

The "self" spoken about here, is not our "finite self" but rather our "Ultimate Self", our "Infinite Self", our "Absolute Self", the "Imago Deo"? Choose your preference of terminology.?

I ask: "Would you give a damaged gift, an undesirable gift, a gift that is unworthy, one that carries the seed of deception, harm or injury"? I think not? If we are going to offer up ourselves, giving the "gift of self" to another. We need to seek after the more excellent to give. Which entails our continual growth and evolution, so this can be a Reality..

(Wuzhou 07/2001)